we argued all day – christmas has been a clsuter fuck of huge proportions everyone and the dog has totally taken the piss out of me. so i wasn’t looking forward to new years eve.
christmas was the most horrible i have had since the ‘no presents for the kids’ fiasco of 1995 where we were so broke the kids got hardly anything and we wrapped ourselves up in quilts becuase we could afford gas mney and my mother wouldn’t lend us a tenner.
they all piled to my house and my kids didn’t have xmas dinner at home with us becuase they were at our house. they then started xmas dinner without me whilst i was giving daughter a lift. ignored me all night – dh included, left me with the clean up and didn’t bring any presents for my grown up children. they come to my house and do not buy presents for my grown up children.
later bil said he forgot to give us a fiver each for the twins – no mention of older son – i mean why would you buy for twins and not older son?
…is the exact question i was asking myself when mil and fil couldnt spend 2.00 on a box of chocolates for him – but did for the twins? so that tipped me over the edge.
it then got worse – boxing day i had worked myself up into such a frenzy that i demanded to be taken over to inlaws where i titally bottled it and so dh siad “IAOD is very upset becuase….” thats right well done there love, taking yourself out of the equasion.
anyway they managed in the space of 30 secs to reduce it to IAOD was upset becuase we started xms dinner without her.
erm no.
this family has been part of my life for 22 years.
when bil had to move – in a moonlight flit becuase he was threatened by a ganster (no i’m not even making this up) he bundled his family into a car and drove 300 miles to us.
i housed him, his wife, his two kids. i would come home from work and make a meal for 9 or 10 people. becuase they hadn’t.
on one fabulous occsion, they went into town and bought themselves only greggs. themselves only.
becuse they are family, i let them sublet the house whilst we moved, i gave them a car – really a car. i gave them the food in my cupboards.
when fil and mil can’t pay their mortgage – we pay 100 per month to keep them afloat. but £2.00 is just too much for them
and its not even about the money – what actually goes through your head as a grandma entering your dils house and only having presenets for 2 out of 3 of your grandchildren?
a house
a car
the fucking food
the mortgage
jesus christ i have given to that family.
it gets worse…
having read this account of poor behaviour, you can see that i have reason to fear NYE. i;m not getting unnececerily dramatic. so i woke up and my first thought was – oh shit. my econd thought was – supposing dh does something so fucked up tonight that i have no choice but to leave – where are we with the finances.
so i said to him, i think we need to talk about finances. that coupled with my mood and he knew i was doing the final reckoning.
nyway we argued and discussed all day – all….day. around 8pm we come to a conculsion and at 9pm he opens a can. he says he never said he was not drinking on NYE and i thought it was implicit int he DAYS ARGUING. eventually he said he’s had enough and he wants a divorce.
i tried to talk it out – it was clear i was devestated – although i didn’t beg or cry he knew he had me on theback foot. today i have been in my room, i have the box of documents that i plan to go through. i hae changed my pin numbers, i have hidden my cards and cash and i have even mnaged to sneak his card and draw out a fair amount – really. an amount which is fair for his contribution.
the fisposable income you see is his, as i pay all the bills – well most of them nyway. its never been an issue – he has never withdrawn money from me or anything. i wanted it set up this way for this very eventuality. so that i wouldnt have to rely on him to pay the mortgage.
so here we are 4pm. i have been downstairs to go out to the bank. i have been down to eat and make a flask of coffee. he has made no attempt. and dya know, i thnk he thinks he has me.
im strong. he has just enough money for fuel to get to work. at this moment – he doesn’t know it yet – but i have the upper hand.
i have the box of documents
i have changed my pin numbers
i have changed my passwords
im not crying.
iam devestated i am dying inside.
at some point we are going to have to talk about money – i am not going to instigate this conversation. i am not going to instigate any conversation.
i am not giving up my house, i think i have figured out that i will have £20-30 per week disposable income. Women in the face of adversity – men just haven’t got a chance. Whilst hes sat there thinking im in my room distraught – i have sorted out my finances, changed my pin numbers and passwords online and sorted out on a spreadsheet my fiancial forcast.
fuck him, the prick
He just got angry at the dishwasher, it’s broken. It wasn’t annoyed. It was angry. He doesn’t understand why i was scared. He genuinely doesn’t get that his emotions were disproportionate and wrong. It is a dishwasher. I would rather be slightly disgruntled and leave it until tomorrow and have a nice evening. He had a fight with a dishwasher.
I didn’t realise that it had been so long since i posted. Friday nights continue to be much the same in fact, this is why i am posting. He got so drunk he didn’t get up until 2pm. after listening to me being thoroughly unhappy with him at 2pm he came upstairs at 4pm, and much like a post i read earlier from last year – maybe the year before… he tries to appease me with ‘ Do you want to go to the cinema.’
i am working tomorrow and this is my only day of the weekend off. he has been off the majority of the week and done nothing apart from paint the alcoves next to the chimney breast. that’s all.
i’m tired of this, i’m weary. i’m not even angry enough to type anymore – which is probably why i haven’t bothered. i realise that it is a useful record for myself as i do tend to ‘forget’ the common bad stuff
Went to pub, got drunk, walking home with a pint of beer – He starts tipping the glass so the beer goes over me – s i throw the pint over him.
He caught up to me, pushed me very hard into a lampost, i fell on the floor , i was winded. Slept at my sons house.
an account of bad behaviour, i think we were both to blame, but am shocked.
He did the usual Friday night thing, got so drunk he passed out and slept in the bed. i eventually went to bed at around 4am, becuase i didn’t really want to go to bed with him in it. but at least i could get in and get under the covers. this is unusual. He got up somewhere close to midday. i had been up for hours. i ignored him, i’m just sick of it. the next day is invariably a wash out due to his ‘i haven’t got a hangover’ hangover. I have been on my own, on the laptop all day downstairs, whilst he has been upstairs. at 3.30pm he asked if we should take the dog for a walk. i declined. this isn’t in fact because he wants to take the dog for a walk. this isn’t in fact becuase he absolutely wants to spend some quality time with me. this is nothing less than appeasement. appease me and then the day will go ok. well i am thoroughly fed up. i am in fact feeling very depressed. it is now 8.30pm and we haven’t spoken. he isn’t in the slightest bit bothered. he is playing on his computer and has had the time t do so all day. he has watched his own programmes all day.
i’m getting angry – but i don’t see why i shuld force a situation resolution when the guy just doesn’t in his heart want to spend any time with me. its really sad
Last few weeks there have been no posts here because everything has been fine( ish). There was an incident a month ago where i was pushed and called some names like stupid bitch, whore and other things. I managed the situation well and it didn’t turn out to be much of an incident, so i didn’t bother writing.
Until today.
Today I got a call from the bank telling me that £64 had been taken out for some on-line activity and they wanted to check with me. Fraught with panic, I e-mailed the on-line company and it’s sponsor. Put a hold on my card and then took a deep breath to wake him up and ask him. Bloodshot eyed and still obviously drunk from the night before he said that it might have been him as he had said he wanted to buy some items for a game. He did ask last night and I said yes, he did say it wouldn’t cost very much. Now he said that he ‘pressed the wrong button’ and that he didn’t mean to spend that much. A huge row ensued. I phoned the bank to tell them that it’s ok. He is oh so sorry as per every Saturday morning and suddenly, he is spouting about arranging my Xmas present that I have been asking him to arrange for a while. He then continues to tell me how we are ‘OK’ for money at the moment despite the fact I have no job at the moment. He goes into quite some detail. I sit and listen, i tell him it’s bullshit. I will come back and tell you how much bullshit this is, that the loan from the bank has been frittered away, and the money to cover it which is coming from another source, will not be used to pay the loan back and instead will also be frittered leaving me with a 2k loan to pay back. This he will tell me is ok, we can manage it. I will listen and i will agree and i will be complicit in every spending activity. It’s as much my fault as his in this regard.
so happy weekend. Again
It’s Friday. He started drinking when he got home from work and that was about 4.30pm. He was passed out by 7.30pm. I heard the familiar tinkle upstairs. yes. Indeed. FAMILIAR. about 2 months ago he pissed in my wardrobe. MY wardrobe. the next day after the usual argument, i made him clean the bottom of my wardrobe. wash the bedding that we keep there. All my shoes are there. boxes etc.
But he has just beaten that effort. OH YES. supremely. About 10 mins ago i heard it. Then i tried to decipher where he was pissing. hen i saw it. Urine sprinkling down the living room window. Yes. he had opened the sash window and pissed out of it. there is urine on the window sil. I dashed upstairs and he quickly jumped in bed and tried to pretend to be asleep. I shouted how dirty and disgusting he is. I made him get out of bed. IT’S MY BED on Friday. He came downstairs and went to the comfy sofa where i had been sitting. I told him to move to the other one. He put up a bit of a fight but not much. He is disgusting. Distgusting. I hate him.
Turned on Dh’s computer and found a new browser so looked at the history and there it was. The Game. The Game he swore he wouldn’t ever use again ( see background tab above) he is really careful about the history on his there browsers.
confronted him – he started with some bullshit i told him i don’t want to talk bout it so we sat in silence for about 15 mins. then he went off to his computer.
this is on top of
DS quit college
DS1 & DS2 totally missed mothers day.
DD got me a card pepperami and a nut brittle… and signed the card from the boys.
I feel totally taken for granted.
As soon as i got home from work i started on cooking the brisket and he had brisket, taters and carrots and gravy for tea, took me hours.
I’m such a pleb, such a mug. i don’t know what to do anymore. 3/4 of the family just don’t think enough of me. and that’s that.
————
Fell asleep upstairs and woke up to the smell of cooking dh was home and cooked tea. just had an hour of silence again, i have nothing to say, so i got my puter and he went upstairs. its like in isolation i tell myself – god its only a game, get over it. but it’s that , the lies to cover it, the lack of trying to explain it on his behalf and him letting this drag on – i am pissed off and it’s not for me to say right i want a showdown, let’s have it out – that’s how we work, not this time, this time i am just too angry. i am distancing myself, i don’t want this life anymore, its just shit – so here goes Tuesday, in silence. we are both working late tomorrow – so thats Wednesday gone.
Put it together with the boys lack of thought and i am totally devastated at how little i am thought of. devastated. i go from self-pity to FUCK YOU in a split second every time i think about it.
so he made my meal and a drink, he only helped clean up this morning when i stomped around picking up the shirt and coat hanger he left on the settee. He was ready to walk out the door to work. and my arm is hurting again.which doesn’t help with my mood.
oh and boss rang whilst i was at home and the dog started barking i cut him off the phone but it might not have been soon enough, he’s on holiday anyway.
29p for a mothersday card. £0.00 a phone call. and all i got was ds asking me to pick him up from his girlfriends because he spent the train fare. which we didn’t do . Got him up at 7.30 am made him tidy the bathroom and his bedroom.
I’m at THAT place in my had where i just want to walk off, start again on my own anew – or worse YNWIM.
January 2010
For no sound reason that i can really grasp. Evening meal was made and i wanted bowls , i shouted up for the kids to bring any plates down. They didn’t move, I asked dh to go look for them as the kids hadn’t moved to look. The window in the loft was open after being screwed shut as the rain and recent heavy snow have turned the carpet mouldy and i am worried about the roof joists rotting.
dh flips. ds (16) said something fly to he smacks him across the face. I didn’t know this had happened and they still hadn’t come down and their tea was out on the table so i stormed upstairs and screamed at them to come down. dd was crying, dh storms up and starts shouting. they all come downstairs, ds said something and dh flips and went for him and grabs him off the chair.
I am put in this situation where the kids are looking to me. I tell dh to take a walk , which he does. We all sit there looking at our food – no one talks. dd still crying.
It ends up with dh still angry and Me tearing him a new one. He storms off saying he never wants the kids to ask him for anything, talk to him or even look at him again and he doesn’t want me to either for 48 hours.
Tonight is too stressed to emotional to do anything or say anything tonight. but now here i am he went for my son. and still i am here.
How many posts? How many does it take. How many incidents? i reckon all of them i have posted about in the last year have been pissed up incidents.
and now? well now i become my mother. a sad lonely solitary figure with no friends whose children are going to leave in the next 2 years. The house will have to be sold – i reckon he won’t move out and he wont think its real after 22 years together 20 married.
Or i stay and they one day turn round to me and say ” why did you stay after he did that?” and i say what? because i love him, because e have good times? we don’t have good times. we rub along – we don’t even have ‘times’ i guess most people don’t though.
But its been well over 5 years of me begging for his attention until we got to a place where it was agreed that we spend each night from 7pm til 10pm together – but that’s not been happening recently because of the christmas period.
lets face it , i am alone anyway. the cleaning tidying up – everything apart from taking the bins out falls to me anyway. What i should do is ask him to leave. ask my bil for the 650 he owes me. see a solicitor. i wont get child support – but if ds has anything about him he will give me the board from his wages – that would get me by. The fuel i use for work can pay my fuel, i get ecua for the tax and wear and tear, i can pay the mortgage – the rest of the bills might be a problem – but i think with ds’s contribution, i can manage them. depends how reasonable he is willing to be. because i have a huge credit card that needs paying and i didn’t create that mess on my own.
so my heart is telling me that nothing will change and my head is saying – sort it. Make it happen is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your life?
no
But i don’t want to end up some lonely tart either.
December 2009
so we went to pub, dh got monumentally pissed – i was a little drunk. when we got in my puter didn’t work so i took it upstaird and i asked him to fix it. we ended up on the bed and he pinned me down and did some things i don’t even want to post in private. I tried to make it funny at first but it got serious as he wouldn’t let me go – so i tried to fight him off. nothing happened but this morning i am very bruised. everywhere. my left arm, my upper right arm. my right leg hurts so much that i have found it difficult to walk all day.
the rubbish thing is how much of a non event this is.
when i got away i turned the electric off – in a ‘fuck you’ so he couldn’t use his puter.
anyway <smirk> his puter wouldn’t start this am.
just thought iw ould record it.
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